The Views From The Peaks Are Always The Same.

I recently met with my retina specialist. Same story; slow but steady progression. The good news is that my vision can be corrected in my left eye to 20/20 with my glasses, although that is just in specific spots. Every time Dr Lalawani looks at my scans or looks at the back of my eye she says the same thing; “I don’t know how you are able to see so well Chris.”  Large portions of the center of my retina are apparently so thin that you can see right through it to the blood vessels behind; Geographic Atrophy she calls it. I have a few remaining islands of photoreceptors that allow me to see in small areas and by scanning the scene in front of me I am able to assemble the complete image in my head. She tells me I am fortunate that I have the mental capacity to do that. It is the only way I can function as well as I do. A quick scan of her waiting room and I know what she means. Even as I am about to turn 60 I am well below the average age of her patients.  I can see the compassion and the sadness on her face. She is has been with me on this journey since the beginning. She knows far better than me what lays ahead.

My doctor and I talk less about my medical condition these days. Her counsel is more about pragmatic issues such as the need for long-term disability insurance. Her biggest concern for me now does not seem to be my vision, with current medicine, that future appears clear. “You are very social and independent Chris. I worry about you being isolated as your vision continues to deteriorate.”

I had a therapist tell me once that when it came to relationships my attachment style was such that when I moved on, I never looked back. Like the quote from the movie The Gumball Rally, ”The first rule of Italian driving. What’s behind me is not important.” As cold as that makes me seem, I know that has been true about me. There is far too much evidence for me to deny it. Looking back over the years I see a long list of friends, wonderful relationships, that I have somehow lost. It is one of the things I dislike about myself the most.

While I wish they were in my life today, I know that I am a better person for each and every one of those relationships. I carry with me the memories of so many good times and those experiences are some of the most influential in my life. The bad memories in my life have left an impression, but not as big as the good ones. I am not sure what that says about me.

It is an area where I think my brother and I are very different. I have spent a lifetime chasing the highs and, if I was to guess, I would say he spent more time preventing the lows; I could be wrong. I have had some great high times over the years but boy, have I had some incredible lows. After 60 years now I think I have come to only one conclusion. It may be worth it but it certainly is not the easy way.

Today, I have a handful of close friends from Oregon to Florida that I am so blessed to have in my life. We don’t see each other as much as we would like. I worry that maybe with time some of them will just disappear from my life altogether. For the first time in my life that thought scares me. It scares me because I spent nearly 60 years never looking back and when I look back now I see the valleys more than the peaks.

But maybe,  that is just what the view is like from the top of a peak. Everything is below you and it can be scary.