Strength and Regret

I will always remember, and forever regret, the last conversation I had with my father. My father was a good man. He loved and cared deeply for his family, that was never a doubt to me or anyone who knew him. Dad, was also a strong man for who anger was the only emotion he showed easily. So, in early 2007 when my brother, Mike, and I decided we needed to take his car away from him, Dad was livid. The last time my father and I spoke was not too long after that and ended with me pushing him against the wall and yelling at him. He tried to threaten me, to exert his dominance as he had done for 48 years but I wouldn’t let him. I had to prove I was right. That I was stronger and more powerful. Not only did I take away his car but then I took away his dignity and showed him just how old and powerless he had become. We never spoke again. He died in May 2007. If there is anything in life I would like to have back it is that day.

My brother is seven years older than me and, as his first child and oldest son, Mike enjoyed much of our father’s attention growing up. Basketball, football, baseball. I suspect Dad loved having a young son. I remember him telling us how important it was that we were both successful and were able to have a better life than he did. Dad grew up with a father that believed in extremely harsh treatment when children misbehaved so Dad’s attention also brought very firm discipline for Mike. By the time I came along seven years later Mike, and my mom, had paved the road for me so my childhood was very different than his. That was the first of many things my big brother did for me over the years. If I got in a fight with the school bully, he was there to help me out. When I took my first job in sales he taught me everything he knew about being successful. When I divorced my first wife he was there for me. He has always been there for me. Helping me. Paving the way.

I think it was also about seven years before I was diagnosed with Macular Degeneration that Mike received similar news from his doctor. Yet once more leading the way for me. Most recently he has been faced with a new challenge; today it’s cognitive impairment. I remember Mike telling me one of the last times he and I spoke several months ago that his two biggest fears in life were losing his eye sight and losing his mind. How scary it must be for him now.

Being a good Texan and a staunch conservative, Mike believes in exercising his second amendment rights and carried a concealed weapon. Personally, I do not have issues with responsible gun ownership but poor eyesight and cognitive impairment; well perhaps you see where this story is going. We don’t talk anymore.

I guess I could fly to Texas and bang on his door and demand that we talk but I know how that story ends. He is my father’s son for sure and he is angry.

I miss my big brother. He is the only living sole who has known me for nearly 60 years now. I wish I had the benefit of his insight on the mutual challenges we face with our vision. I wish I could be there to help him, as he has done so many times for me, as he faces whats before him now. And I wish my big brother were here to help me come to terms with my own fear, that perhaps we are both running out of time and he is leading the way for me yet once more.