I try to unravel the ball of twine that is my life, it is nearly impossible to see what or who is at the core but perhaps the real question is does that even matter anymore? Isn’t the authentic Chris today, the guy that has been shaped and molded over the last 60 years by those around him and the decisions he has made along the way?
I have a good friend who is going through a lot of changes in her life right now. When I asked her the other day how she was doing with everything she said, “I think I am supposed to learn something from all this, so I am just paying attention and trying to figure out what that is.” So simple and yet so profound. What a great reminder for me as I look toward my future that is sure to have it’s own challenges, not the least of which will be low vision.
I am finding that writing a memoir is a surprisingly eye-opening activity. Something I would recommend to anyone who wants to learn a little bit about his or herself. Over the last several months I have spent a lot of time looking back and asking myself “Why in the world did that happen? Is that who I really am?”
Is the goal in life to reconnect with the guy at the center of that ball of twine or is it to simply understand all the layers? Where they came from and why they are there. There are so many things that I have learned over the years that have made me a better person. I certainly would not want to lose those. And there are other things in my past that I am ashamed of and that I would like to be able to do over.
Perhaps the only lesson to learn in all of this is not who I WAS, but that whoever I AM is worthy, not perfect, but worthy, exactly as I am even with all my imperfections. Perhaps, even in some way, because of all my imperfections.
Hmm. I wonder if I can learn to believe that?
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