I was shocked how quickly and dramatically the word jumped into my mind; Peace. It's not something I remember ever thinking about before. I even went back and tried on all the usual ones, health, happiness, security, wealth but none of them was as brilliant in my mind as Peace.
Over the last five years, I have had a front row seat to a slow but undeniable change in my eye sight. I honestly don’t think I realize just how much my vision has changed, although there are plenty of queues. But why Peace? Why not Health, or even Vision?
For me, the mid-life crisis began somewhere around the fall of 2008. It was textbook, and for anyone other than my wife (now ex-wife), our children, and me, it was a rather uninteresting cliché. For our family it was devastating. The reality didn't catch up with me until three years later when I suddenly found myself in complete crisis. I remember that day as if it was yesterday. I was 52 years old and I suddenly realized I had not a clue of who I was. I could no longer deny the mounting evidence in front of me, I was not the guy I thought I was. The man I had fabricated over the last half century to fit the role I was supposed to play.
Knowing I needed help, I found a therapist and scheduled my first meeting. Having never been in individual counseling I thought it would be helpful to come prepared with a "few" notes about why I was there to see him. Imagine sitting alone in a quiet room with only a trained therapist as he carefully reads six, single-spaced, printed pages of you pouring your heart out, with him periodically peering over the pages and saying "hmm". To this day I still laugh out loud when I think about it. I was so lost, but I don't remember thinking; I want Peace.
Over the next few years, I saw my therapist, Brent, regularly and it was likely one of the best decisions of my life. I was fortunate, that not only did I have Brent working with me but the company I work for had invested in partnering with Dr Charlie Palmgren on the development of leadership training. The training centered around helping our leaders learn a little bit about authenticity and helping them see how failing to recognize their own self-worth, and the resulting insecurities can get in the way of developing creative and productive relationships with their team members and colleagues. A gross oversimplification of a very powerful and compelling concept. Through the participation in, and the delivery of, many sessions with our leaders I learned a lot about self-awareness, authenticity, and vulnerability; I learned a lot about me. I will be forever thankful to Charlie, who today I am fortunate to call a friend, for what he taught me and several others.
What I also learned is that real self-awareness is a double-edged sword. Going through life blind feels far less risky than with even a little bit of awareness. Of course, the operative word there is "feels." The more I try to remain true to the authentic me, the choices I make, and the impact I have on others, the scarier it gets, because I am aware of how my decisions and actions impact others. The other downside of awareness is that every question I answer about myself only presents two more questions yet to be answered. It feels just like the never-ending journey I guess it is. Can you ever really be completely self-aware?
Is that why Peace immediately jumped to mind as the thing I wanted most?
So, if I am to take anything from all this, I think it is that if I really want to find true peace, I need to learn to embrace the journey of self-discovery and stop trying to find the answer, because there isn't one.
Yet one more, work-in-progress.
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