Shades of Gray

When I decided I wanted to learn about photography I jumped in with both feet. I read everything I could, watched videos, talked to friends, read magazines, and practiced, practiced, practiced. I learned a lot about theory and technique. What doesn’t come natural to me is the creativity that it takes to make the difference between a good shot and one that truly captures the imagination.

Creativity isn’t something that comes easy to me, and probably many others. I grew up in a family that was very private. We didn’t talk about our fears. We didn’t take chances with emotions. For my father, in particular, things were always very Black and White. We loved to debate things, sometimes very passionately, and while our dinner discussions frequently got extremely colorful they were always “safe.” Emotionally Black and White. My brother and I were taught, if not through words but actions, to be strong, not show weakness, and that vulnerability was bad.

Now through the distance of time I have begun to realize that, while it isn’t easy for a guy like me, vulnerability brings tremendous strength and I believe it is a key ingredient to creativity. It is that Gray space between the extremes of Black and White. It’s where the truth lies.

To be creative you have to take chances. That means someone won’t like it, and that can hurt. We are programmed, starting as a child, to avoid pain. So, when your father tells you vulnerability is bad, you do your best to be “strong” and not show emotions for fear of being judged; fear of being hurt. So, I spent most of my life in what I saw as safe; the Black and White.

What I have only recently begun to understand is just how harsh Black and White can be. It is that Grey space in between the extremes where the beauty lies.

In my life, that lack of authenticity has not only stifled the creativity I need for great photography it has hurt me in every human interaction I have had over the years. There are countless situations I can think of over the years but none as painful as a failed marriage after 17 years and two wonderful children. To me, it is clear, the single biggest issue was that neither one of us was willing to be truly vulnerable with the other. We were both raised to be strong. Don’t show emotions. Black and White. How could there be any other outcome?

Over the last several years I have worked hard to find out just who I really am; the

authentic me. It is far harder than I imagined. While there is only one Black and one White, there are infinite tones of Gray. It is only fitting that there are two accepted spellings. When you paint with only two colors the choices are easy. When the palette is infinite it is so much harder to choose. It takes a willingness to be wrong, to accept that not everyone will like my ideas, my thoughts, my photography, me. What I am finding is that just the opposite has happened and, perhaps most importantly, I am learning to like myself.

Today my life is so different than it was just half a dozen years ago. I am married to a wonderful woman who truly appreciates and encourages me to explore and share the shades of Grey within me. I am blessed to have my two amazing children in my life, although I miss my daughter terribly and I have amazing friends who love and care for me, the real authentic me; as best as I know him today.

So, while many people have complimented me on my photography, for which I am immensely grateful, more often than not, I can only see what’s missing. That will be a work-in-progress for the rest of my life; and not just in photography.